Surviving the Holidays

The holidays are stressful for most people.  Traveling, family visiting from out of town, buying & shipping gifts, cooking holiday meals, bad weather, bad fruitcake…all crammed into a 6-week period.  It’s enough to put ANYONE on edge!   Those of us with ADHD might feel like crawling into a hole and waiting out the storm.  Before I was married, I would just buy a few gifts for people I remembered and go wherever I was invited to celebrate (if I remembered).  Now, I don’t have that option.  I have to not only actively participate, but I have to help PLAN holiday gatherings.  Don’t just stand by and wait for your spouse to assign you dish duty or be the “gopher” the day before the big meal.  Here’s my ADHD Holiday Survival Guide…

Stick to a timeline.  Oh, how we love to procrastinate.  Thanksgiving is already over this year, but keep this list close-hold for next year.  I’ll use a big family dinner as an example.

-          3-4 weeks out from the holiday gathering:  By this point, you should have a solid location nailed down and a preliminary head-count.  Be annoying with friends & family…don’t let their indecisive ways sabotage your plans.  But be flexible enough to accommodate out-of-town folks or unexpected family stuff (there’s always someone who falls and breaks their arm or breaks up with their fiancé two days before Thanksgiving…they’re coming to your house for dinner too now!)

-          2 weeks out:  plan the menu.  Figure out who’s bringing what, if anything.  Make a list of all the dishes you’ll prepare and then break them down into a grocery list.  Find out if there are any special needs:  food allergies, dietary restrictions, etc.  Your head count should be pretty solid by now, so start tallying up what non-food items you’ll need (chairs, tables, napkins, utensils, etc.).  Are you going to use real dishes or paper plates?  Is everyone going to sit at tables, or do you need TV trays for the football watchers?  Make a list of things you need to buy, and also things you might borrow from family or friends.

-          7-10 days out:  purchase any non-food items you’ll need, if applicable.  This should spread the cost over two paychecks.  Adjust as necessary.  If you’re purchasing a turkey or large ham, BUY IT NOW AND FREEZE IT.  Consider logistics.  Is anyone sleeping over?  Make up the guest room.  Is it a large crowd?  Re-arrange the furniture.  Clean out the fridge & freezer to accommodate food purchases. 

-          4 days out:  Sanity check.  Double-check your guest list.  Double-check your non-food items list.  Double-check your menu.

-          3 days out:  Put your turkey in the fridge to thaw.  Shop for all food items.

-          2 days out:  Stage your extra tables, chairs, coolers, etc.

-          Day before:  Start cooking.  Have a battle plan based on the layout of your kitchen, how much room is in your fridge, and what needs to go in the oven.  Don’t overwhelm yourself and try to cook 3 things at once.  If you need to concentrate on the mac & cheese before moving on to the broccoli casserole, so be it.

-          Night before:  start cooking the turkey (if applicable)

-          Day of:  Set up all necessary furniture, set out paper plates, serving utensils.  Finish any last-minute cooking.  ENJOY!

-          Immediately after:  do the dishes and start cleaning up.  Don’t procrastinate, just get it out of the way!

-          Day after:  Return any borrowed/forgotten items, enjoy leftovers.

Have a budget.  Make a list of everyone you intend to purchase holiday gifts for and any family obligations you may have (traveling, hosting a family dinner, etc), at LEAST a month before the event (I’d start my holiday gift list 2 months out).   You should already have a list of all your monthly expenses broken out somewhere, so the next step is to figure out how much you can afford to spend on gifts and gatherings.  Don’t try to buy everything at once, spread it out over several pay periods.  Don’t use credit cards (if you don’t or won’t have the cash on-hand to buy it, they don’t need it).  Don’t go into debt or spread yourself too thin.  It’s just stuff after all!

Take advantage of big sales & special offers.  Do research on things you intend to buy…whether it’s a 20-lb turkey or a 50” LED TV.  We tend to be impulse buyers, and that’s NOT GOOD during the holidays.  Look at sale ads for Black Friday and Cyber Monday.  Look at grocery store circulars.  Seriously, why would you pay $900 for a TV that will be on sale for $600 after Thanksgiving?  Why would you pay $3/lb for a turkey at Store A when the same turkey is $0.89/lb at Store B?  Doing research will help you be a better informed consumer anyway.  You might be lusting after a laptop you’ve seen online, but after a little research, you find out it’s an overpriced clunker…wouldn’t you rather find out BEFORE you drop your hard-earned money on it?

Be realistic.  You’re not going to be able to please everyone.  Don’t overextend yourself either in terms of your budget OR your sanity.  Look at your calendar…if it’s just too much hassle to travel to Atlanta for Aunt Jeanie’s New Year’s Eve bash, don’t go.  Send a nice fruit basket and promise to come for Easter.  I know you want to buy your spouse everything they’ve ever wanted…but realistically, you probably won’t be able to afford the half dozen new power tools on his list, a camera, a mountain bike, an iPad AND an electric guitar.  Get the items he wants/needs the most and that fit in your budget…then save up for the rest.

Don’t ignore your other obligations.  Don’t allow the holidays to take over your life.  Use your organizational tools to plan shopping time.  Stick to your budget.  Plan, plan, plan!  Don’t forget your normal schedule, your normal living costs and any other recurring obligations.  Don’t slack off on the gym or stop taking the kids to karate because you’ve got other stuff to do…just PLAN for it!

Manage your stress.  This goes along with being realistic.  Don’t overextend yourself.  But realize that stress will be unavoidable.  Find time for your “blow-out” time and “space-out” time.  Detach yourself for a bit if you start feeling overwhelmed.  Don’t take it out on your family.  Get enough sleep.  Try to eat right and exercise.

Make accommodations for your ADHDisms.  Enlist the help of your family members to plan or execute a gathering/dinner/party.  Use all your organizational tools to help manage your time and resources.  Try your best to see things from a normal brainstyle perspective…you may have a great plan worked out in your head, but once it becomes reality, it may turn out to be absolute crap.  Don’t try to make things too complicated or be too sneaky with your gift-giving.   If your gift involves something that happens AFTER the holiday (say, a weekend trip, a trip to the jewelry store, tickets to the ballet), then explain the scenario BEFOREHAND, and make sure you get some other things that will let your loved one know that you didn’t forget him/her.  Try not to order anything online for local giftees if you can possibly manage it…that whole procrastination thing again will trip you up and make you look like a jackhole who forgets about his family!  On the other hand, if you’re buying gifts for people out of town, DO order them online, and rush shipping if you have to.  You will probably NOT remember to take your locally purchased items to the Post Office until it’s too late with everything else that's going on.  That’s just reality...you know I'm right!

Have fun and good luck!

Being Thankful

Many of my friends (myself and my partner included) are posting a status update on Facebook reflecting what we're thankful for each day this month.  If you haven't already started, I suggest all my ADHD readers do the same.  You don't have to post on Facebook, but write down every day something for which you are thankful or grateful.

Why?  There are several reasons to do this, but as I've muddled through this month, two particular reasons jump out at me. 

First off, many of us have difficulty expressing thanks or gratitude to people.  We ARE thankful for others' help, support and involvement in our lives, but often, we simply forget to show our thanks.  We assume that because we FEEL grateful, that our friends and family will just understand and realize this fact.  We tend to struggle with this expectation of osmosis...we just don't understand why the other person didn't hear our thanks...we don't even realize that we didn't actually ARTICULATE it!  This is something I struggle with.  I am SO grateful to my support system...I just don't show it often enough.  It's not a matter of thoughtlessness or bad attitude, but other people don't necessarily see it this way.  Someone not used to interacting with an ADHD person may feel used, forgotten, or taken for granted.  In order to maintain good relationships with our friends, family and coworkers, we need to get in the habit of showing them that we care.  Simply saying "thank you" is often enough, but at times, we need to go a little further.  A card, a small gift...or a big gift if the occasion calls for it.  If you take a minute each day to consider something for which you're grateful, you'll be more inclined to remember to say "hey thanks" to someone that deserves it.  Again, you'll still forget, and you'll still "do it wrong", but this is a good way to get on a better path towards showing appropriate gratitiude.

Another good reason to keep track of things that make you feel gratitude is the maintenance of a positive attitude.  Many of us have difficulty staying positive due to a history of emotional abuse, trouble adjusting to our diagnosis, or simply frustration with our past actions.  If we can focus, just for a few minutes each day, on something that makes us happy, we can work on cultivating a more positive outlook.  Every day, we need to find a small (or big) reason to work out our issues, to try to cultivate the best possible habits, and to give ourselves motivation to achieve our goals.  When we get in the habit of thanking people and thinking about the good things in our lives (no matter how small), we'll see that positive attitude leaking into all aspects of our consciousness.  This is a very easy habit to cultivate...we simply choose to be happy!

So sit down with your notebook or Facebook app and get to work.  Articulate at least one thing each day for which you're thankful.  If it involves a person in your circle, call them, text them or give them a hug to show you're thankful.  You'll feel great about it and you'll probably make THAT person's day too!

Avoiding the Trap, Part 2

Let me be the first to tell you that IT’S OK if you either don’t want a “conventional” life, or just can’t thrive in one.  Many people have outside pressure to follow a more traditional life track (i.e. graduate high school, go to college, get a traditional job, get married, have babies, retire), and some ADHDers can do well in those situations (with behavior modification and support).  But some of us just can’t deal.  People with ADHD have a hard time staying on task when we hate the task.  This is why we procrastinate so badly in some cases.  I know it sounds like we’re selfish brats (you non-ADHDers are sitting there saying “well, Leah, nobody LIKES to do laundry”), but it really does come down to brain wiring.  Our brains don’t sort things hierarchically, so while we may understand that the laundry NEEDS to get done, to us, making a new playlist for our iPod is JUST AS IMPORTANT.  
We have difficult prioritizing unless the task that needs to be done RIGHT NOW is on fire or has multiple alarms attached to it. Now, if you’re in a position where you can take a risk and change careers, that might be a great way to ensure maximum productivity and happiness.  Nobody says you HAVE to be an advertising executive or an insurance salesman or a systems administrator.  If you’re one of those who changes jobs every 6 months (by choice or by force) because you can’t find one that “fits”, it might be time to consider molding your goals to fit your ADHD instead of the other way around.  

Do you get ants in your pants staying in one place too long?  Consider a career as a traveling sales rep, a flight attendant or a truck driver.  Do you know everything there is to know about hunting and fishing, but can’t seem to hold down a normal office job? Why not try your hand at being a professional guide?  Do you have a degree and love to be creative, but implode under deadlines and rigid office structure?  A freelance photography or journalism job might be more your style. Before you get all excited and quit your desk job, consider a few important points.  We will use the flight attendant option as our example.

· You need some solid life skills in place before you go changing careers.  Learn how to manage your time and organize yourself, your things and your finances.  Learn to do it in a more structured environment (your old job), and those good habits will carry over to your new career and give you a solid base to build on the skills you’ll need.  

· Do your homework.  Since we tend to think with our emotions, we’ll let the initial excitement of being a flight attendant cloud our judgment.  “Weeee!  I get to fly EVERYWHERE!”.  Throttle back.  Are the airlines hiring, and if so, which ones are best to work for?  Where is training and how long is it?  What is the travel requirement?  Would I be on-call for the first year?  How much money would I make?  What kinds of benefits would I get?  Would I get a choice in where I’m based after training?  What skills are required?  Write down all your questions and concerns and do your research.

· Think about your ADHDisms and find out how they fit into your chosen path.  In your research, you learn that as a new flight attendant, you’ll be required to be on a short recall.  Are you capable of learning how to be organized enough to pick up and leave for several days with no notice?  You learn that you have strict space requirements for your personal items.  Can you learn how to pack to fit these requirements?  You have to be on time if you’re placed on a regular flight schedule.  Can you learn to manage your time efficiently?

· Make a plan.  Once you answer the big questions, then you can start looking at the finer details that go into making your dream happen.  You know that Delta is starting training in 3 months in Salt Lake City, and in 6 months in Atlanta.  Is 3 months enough time to get your life in order to make a change, or is 6 months more feasible?  Let’s say 6 months is better.  Now, assuming that you’re selected, you can start refining your life skills to your new career’s specific needs, learning about the airline industry, and planning your stay in Atlanta. You might get to this point and say “forget it!  This is too much work!”.  But ask yourself, is it REALLY not going to work with your brainstyle, or are you just scared?  We as ADHDers tend to be afraid of being happy, and afraid of doing things we WANT to do.  

We’re so used to “screwing up” that we don’t feel deserving of happiness and feel guilty about doing things we like.  Remember:  IT’S YOUR LIFE.  A little fear is a good thing, because it will encourage you to ask more questions.  But don’t let it deter you from reaching for your goals.  Understand that you MIGHT fail, but this time, you have an opportunity to make sure that failure won’t be due to your ADHDisms, so long as you learn to cultivate behaviors and choices that make your life easier and more productive.  That will go a long way into easing your anxieties.  Don’t let your past failures keep you from trying something you’re really interested in.  It’s easier said than done, but the rewards can be great!

Avoiding the Trap, Part 1

Most people feel pressured by society and/or family to conform to certain expectations and norms at one time or another.  We as ADHDers, especially those of us who weren’t diagnosed until adulthood, have probably attempted to embrace convention, either in a career or family life, and found it extremely difficult.  We struggle to be organized, we can’t seem to get a handle on the basics of daily life, and eventually start flailing.  Worst of all, we feel frustrated because we “just don’t get it”, and those feelings of guilt and shame start to color our worldview.  We feel worthless, useless, stupid and lazy, and this begins the vicious cycle of unhappiness and failure.  

I’ve touched on it before, but we have to own our position.  It’s tough, and it’s not fair, but that’s the hand we’ve been dealt.  Remember:  it could always be much worse.  ADHD, while obnoxious and emotionally painful, is treatable, and you can learn to adapt your lifestyle.  In my humble opinion, there are three ways to “own” your position in this case:  1)  You can be pissed at the world and use your ADHD as an excuse to be lazy and miserable, 2)  You can set goals and say “screw it, I’m going to find a way to achieve those conventional goals no matter what!” (basically, make yourself fit your goals), and 3) You can work around your limitations and find a career and lifestyle that works for you (make your goals fit you).  Hopefully, 2) and/or 3) should sound most appealing to you.  If 1) sounds the best, it’s time to make an appointment with a psychologist or life skills coach.  For this post, we’ll concentrate on 2).

So how does that apply to lifestyle and career choices?  If you’ve put yourself on a more traditional career path and have a number of years of experience under your belt, changing careers may not be an option for you.  And you may not WANT to change careers, for one reason or another.  If you choose a more conventional path, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, so long as you make your choice work for YOU.  Often, conventional career choices enable us inattentive types to have a good amount of structure in our daily lives.  Some of us work best in situations with predetermined objectives and expectations, deadlines and direct oversight.  I don’t do well in jobs with erratic schedules or where I have to build my own client base.  Some ADHDers can’t function in rigid office environments…we’ll get to you later.

So the path for people like us is to mold our behaviors and choices to enable reaching our goals.  We have to use unconventional methods to enable our more conventional choices.  For instance, I know that if I need to get a task done at work, I need to fire up Mixcloud and shut out the world.  I absolutely cannot concentrate at home with “real pants” on or anything on my feet.  So, if I have to get something done at home, I need to be wearing sweats & have bare feet.  It’s important to pay attention to the conditions that allow you to be most productive.  If you need to sit on the bathroom floor wearing noise-cancelling headphones to make your daily schedule, do it.  If you need to crank up the A/C and have the TV on to get housework done, so be it.  The next time you’re doing something that requires concentration or effort, pay attention to your habits and your surroundings.  Identify which elements enable you to BEST complete your task.

On the flipside, figure out what DOESN’T work for you and toss it in the garbage.  Don’t waste time trying to force yourself into using a method or tool that just doesn’t work or pisses you off.  It’s not worth it.  Find something else.   Also, identify factors in your environment that distract you or make it physically difficult to complete your task.  

So often, because we’ve been told we’re stupid and lazy our whole lives, we feel like we need to live up to other people’s expectations and let other people dictate how we live our lives.  Forget about all that nonsense.  Of course, you’ll need to conform to SOME expectations…little stuff like marriages and working for someone else require it, but you have to take ownership of how you meet certain expectations and learn to negotiate in order to ensure success on your part.  This is why it’s so important not to waste time on methods and tools that don’t work.  So your coworkers make fun of you because you have to color-code and label everything…so what?  Get over it.  You’re making your environment work for YOU, not them!

That being said, don’t go off the deep end.  You can’t expect every situation to be malleable in the way you want it to be malleable.  There will be some instances in a more conventional life where you have to work in an uncomfortable situation, deal with other people’s incompetence, and accept unexpected changes.  You probably won’t be able to wear sweats and have bare feet at an office job, so you have to learn to compromise and find another “comfortable” way to alter your work environment.  You WILL have to make concessions to your spouse in order to make a marriage work.  The key is to change the things you can, and work on adapting your behavior with regards to things you CAN’T change.

Next time, we’ll talk about choosing an unconventional career.